So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
