About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
