i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
