Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
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i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
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I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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