yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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