If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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