I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
