why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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