Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
