She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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