nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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