A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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