woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
