I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
