He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
