Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
