Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
high people should be assigned attendants
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
