White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
