I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
