i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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