Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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