I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Randomize
