A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
