it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
