That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
