apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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