my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
