I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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