Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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