Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
