you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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