he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
We talked him into tasing himself.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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