my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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