it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize
