In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
