i used baking grease as lip gloss
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
