Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
