I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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