haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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