Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
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