If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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