i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
