There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
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The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
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Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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