I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
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She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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