I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.