Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
