i already hear my dad disowning me
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
