the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I pour the whiskey from now on
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize