Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
