): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
