My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
