I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
