I just saw a hot homeless man
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
