How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
did i walk over a car last night?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
