i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
