She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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