AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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