DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
